I Didn’t Realise I Was Addicted Until About 6 Months Back When I Decided I Had Been Doing It A Lot And Decided Id Have A Break…Yep. Fine. Easy. (Baring In Mind I Have Bipolar And Recurrent Major Depressive Disorder) Approximately 4 Days Later I Started To Feel Really Depressed Then I Got So Low It Physically Hurt I Just Wanted To End It I Was Broken. After A Few Days I Slowly Felt A Little Better…I Called A Mate And Said I Had Been Feeling Ill And I’m Fed Up Of Being Down Lets Get Some Base…We Did And I Suddenly Felt Better.
Anyway Months Passed I Would Go On Benders Then Calm Down Etc It Wasn’t An Issue…It Was Recreational.
Then I Realised It Was, Although Making Me Feel Good For That Period Of Time, It Was In Fact Changing Me… I Was Quiet…I Became Even More Isolated…And I Was More Depressed In General. However, I Hadn’t Seen It, Not Till It Was Too Late.
So I Decided To Call It Quits…I Planned When I Was Going To Stop…Looked Up Withdrawal…Told One Person My Plan (Only One Other Person Including My Dealer Knew I Did It As I Wasn’t Social On It) So They Could Just Check I Was Ok, I Was So Adamant That I Even Told My Mental Health Care Worker…The Day Before Quit Day My Tesco Delivery Arrived… I Was Sorted.
I Wasn’t To Worried About Withdrawal I’m A Recovering Alcoholic I’ve Been Through Cold Turkey I’d Cope. The Fact It Said Withdrawal Included Severe Depression Didn’t Phase Me I Just Thought Can’t Be Worse Than My Episodes Piece Of Piss.
Well Fuck Me…You Know At The Start I Said I Felt So Low It Physically Hurt…Well Now I Know I Was Going Through Withdrawal Then…Suffering From Depression Didn’t Make It Easier To Deal With, It Was Horrific!!!!
So About 8 Maybe 9 Days After I Quit 5 Days Of Depression I Start To Come Out Of It…. I’m Doing OK…It Was Now A Case Of Waiting For My Meds To Fully Work And Get The Old Me Back Whoever She Was…Well Fuck Me…Life Is Dull…I Had No Personality No Motivation No Interest I Was Like A Zombie Then Slowly It All Started To Come Back And I Liked What I Was Finding…I Am Quite Bubbly And Motivated I Thought I Was, I Had Just Lost Myself And Could Only Be Those Things Wasted Before.
OK…In My Head I Have 2 Me’s Sensible Me (we’ll call her Bonny) & Destructive Addictive Me (Clyde) Anyway I Am Feeling Good And Clyde Pops Up You’ve Done Really Well You Deserve A Treat…Your Fine Once Won’t Hurt You Don’t Have A Problem. All This Time Bonnie Starts Off No No No….Too Late. Seeds Been Sown….Next Thing I’m On The Phone And There Follows A Bender.
Then About 5 Weeks Ago I Had A Bad Time On It And Decided That Was It I’d Had It…I Talked Myself Into A Rant So Much So I Threw 3g Down The Loo (I Could Have Cried For That Stupidity And Instantly Regretted It And Did For Days). As Nobody Really Knew I Did It…In My Wisdom I Thought If I Told People I Would Have More Incentive To Maintain It. But There Was Noway I Was Telling My Family Not After Seeing What My Alcohol Addiction Did To Them. So As I Run A Mental Health Group For Those With Any Type Of Mental Health Condition Including Addiction I Decided To Firstly Tell My Team Of Admin And Then When I Had Their Backing I Shared My Revelation With 540 People…And The Support I Got Was Amazing And Pumped Me Up To Do It…
That Lasted 2 Weeks 😦
Then 3 Weeks Ago The Worst Thing EVER Happened…My Dealer Had Ran Out And Couldn’t Get Hold Of Any…FUCK!!!!!
So This Time Having Had No Thoughts To Quit As I Had Cut Down Loads And Doing It In Moderation So Was All Good…I Honestly Thought As I Had Cut Back I Would Escape The Depression…Ohhh No….Anyway Got Through That, It Didn’t Last Too Long But I Couldn’t Get It Out Of My Head. ..It Was All I Thought About, I’d Dream About It…It Was WTF…I Think Because I Knew I Couldn’t Actually Get Any…Made Me Want It So Much More ! But Then I Got The Text ‘Collecting Tonight’ The Relief Was Immense Just Knowing It Was There When I Wanted/Needed And Tonight I Fucked Up, Why Did I After 3 Weeks, Do It?? It Makes No Sense To Me How I Am Such A Dick Head Over This Stuff….I’m So Pissed Off With Myself.
I Haven’t Wrote All This Shit To Say ‘I’m Clean’ Because I’m Not I’m More Controlled Which Is Good But I Gotta Be Honest I’m Not There Yet, Bonny & Clyde Need To Be Singing Off Of The Same Hymn Sheet For A Start But My Saving Grace Is…I’m Not Hurting Anyone…I Still Go To Work…Pay My Bills…I Don’t Owe Money By Getting It On Tick…And I Run, Support And Help Others
This Disease Is A Sneeky Bastard But Even Though I Don’t Know You I Believe That If You Want It You Will Beat It.
We ALL Deserve A Chance In This World…We Will Get That Chance Too
I Wrote This As On My Profile And One Of My First Posts I Shared ‘My Story’ This Isn’t Included In It But Is The Next Chapter If You Like…
Amphetamine Does Make You Go On…I’m So Sorry For Going On, I Will Shut Up Now…Thank You For Reading My Babble xx
Make Progress 